The Drama & Defining Moment in Romantic Love

continued.....this is part II and III

The Drama
If you are stuck on a track that goes nowhere, you not growing. When you are not growing, your heart is not open and your spirit starts to shut down. In this emotional state you tend to vacillate from mania to numbness. Exiting is the only remedy for the sickness associated with this ride. You have probably tried many time-out talks that included “calls to action” where promises were made but never kept. That is because there is just enough good stuff to keep you around, mixed in with fear and intimidation. On the crazy train, there will be many moments of frustration, anxiety, tears and fears. In other words--- Drama. Why do you do the drama? Because you think it is amusing.

Drama is a key component of this kind of relationship. You will find passion here, in many ways that are important, like good sexual chemistry, etc. But there is another even more powerful passion at work. The kind that makes you go crazy, get defensive, throw tantrums, sulk and shut down. This is not the good kind of passion.

This kind of passion is left over childhood anger or rage from when we didn’t get our needs met. To attempt to resolve this ache in our hearts, we hook up with a partner and try like hell to get them met through that other person. What a trap---they are often perfectly wired to hit our hottest buttons.

Relationships teach us about ourselves. So this is good, because at any moment during the ride, you can wake up and make a different choice on how you want to respond. On this ride, you are in total control of how fast, slow, gut wrenching, heart pounding, and scary you will let it become. There will come a day when you will finally have had enough of the self-inflicted craziness. This day is your defining moment.

The Defining Moment
A defining moment for me came when I was journaling about my first husband. I found in the back of my journal a letter that was addressed to him that was four years old. In the letter, I was expressing the same concerns and requests that I was in the present. Ironically enough, the letter’s actual date was October 12, 2000. Our wedding was October 12, 2002. That means before I even got married, I knew the ride I was in for, but still I made the commitment. Now you are probably saying she should have seen it coming--” he wasn’t likely to change.

Who really knows? All I can say is I guess I hadn’t gotten the lesson yet, and needed to keep riding, and marriage was the only way I was really going to experience what I needed to experience. I’m sure I also had a romantic illusion that it would improve.

Wrong. The first year of marriage was awful---all the things in that letter were there magnified by ten! I could barely recognize this man. I was in shock and disbelief for the entire first year and kept thinking make it stop. Finally after riding along for another year, (and couple’s counseling) I had that moment when I was like what am I doing? I deserve more. This is not amusing and I need to get off this roller coaster ride.

Maybe you don’t even like roller coasters, but have been riding because your partner liked them. You do have a right to your own feelings and to say this ride is not for me. In fact, that is the bravest thing you can do. But if you do find yourself on the crazy train, realize that you have the power to make it stop.

Just exit the relationship. And do not get back in line for another ride!

In relationships, you always have 4 choices: stay put, move forward, go backward, or exit. If you want out, get out. Get clear on what you want next and what you have learned. And then make the decision to leave. Stick to it. Get extra support from friends and family. Do not allow him or her to talk you back into staying. It is just a ploy—after all, this is their favorite ride, look at all the cheap thrills they get at your expense!

This ride makes them feel good. But if you don’t feel good and enjoy the ride, it’s high time to go.

Getting off the Crazy Train roller coaster ride of relationships—Part I

Do you love amusement rides? When I was a girl growing up I loved roller coasters, the faster, more intense, the crazier the better. What a rush! What a thrill. I remember on my favorite, The Beast---I would get off and run to get back in line to do it all again. Pure adrenaline addiction. It was a teenage love affair between beauty and the beast. That was great when I was thirteen.

I mean, I really loved riding The Beast, but wouldnt want to do it every day for the rest of my life!

As an adult, I still have a need for excitement and thrills, so what is a girl to do? What everyone does for so-called excitement-- romantic relationships. By far, the wildest ride out there in Romantic Love Land is the infamous Crazy Train---where you will experience the thrill of excitement, anticipation, and expectation followed by the fall, where your stomach drops out, then you are racing through the darkness of the confusion tunnel, ending with the abrupt finish—all the while squealing with delight and fear.

A popular self-help definition of insanity is doing the same thing in the same way over and over expecting different results. Wow, is this ever true in many romantic relationships. We want love so badly that we are willing to ride a relationship out until it literally makes us sick. When we get used to the ups and downs of bad behavior and start to believe that is a normal way to have a relationship, we get a little crazy.

Modern love serves to help us grow and evolve---to raise our awareness/consciousness. If you feel stuck in a rut and can’t seem to move forward, or cannot feel peace and contentment---get off the ride and take a look around.

Chances are you got on the crazy train coaster instead of the smooth and peaceful looking one you saw in the brochure. This emotional roller coaster has lots of highs and lows, twists and turns, but yet just keeps running the same course again and again, never really evolving. You know you are in one if you have the reasons for fights and the scripts that go with them burned in your brain.

In other words, you are stuck on a ride you desperately want to change.

Beware
There is no changing it, only exiting from it.

***This is a 5 part series leading up to a Happy Valentines for YOU